It Really Is Ok

 

A week or so ago, on Valentine's Day, I finally made a decision I should have made a long time ago.  I was at the Dr's office for a regular visit for chronic conditions, and it was there I made the decision.

I decided it's ok to take care of myself. 

Over the past 18 years, I've been pretty much the hands on care taker for Kevin, and then 13 years ago Michael and Jessica after meeting and then marrying their dad.  Instead of doing for myself as I should have, I chose instead to let things go.  It was easier to take over the counter pain medicine for aches, pains, arthritis, etc.  Choosing carbs and sugar to handle stress was easier than asking for help.  Crawling under a blanket on the couch was way more comforting than going out and walking off the overwhelming load.  I made many many poor choices to handle the challenges that I've had in the special needs world. 

On Valentine's Day, my hubby went with me to an appointment I had kept rescheduling all winter long.  I had absolutely no desire to go.  It took him saying he'd go with me to keep the appointment.  For years I've been told that I'm fat, to lose weight and cut salt.  Now, if you know me, it's not a secret I'm obese.  It's pretty obvious.  This time around, with hubby there, no talk of being obese.  Instead, the focus was on diabetes management, pain management, and wounds that have been on the legs for months.  So, with a second diabetes med added and a prescription pain medication allowed, things looked a little better.  I found that there is early kidney damage, so I can't use NSAIDs anymore to control arthritis in the knees that's been there for 19 years or more--through farm life, Corrections work, and nursing homes.  

With the new meds came a referral for advanced wound care.  In essence I have pressure ulcers on the back of my thighs, which have stopped healing up til then, and had been there for 4 months.  Open wounds aren't a good thing to have, especially on legs and for long periods of time, diabetic or not.  I honestly didn't want to deal with them either, I had hoped that they'd just heal on their own.  There had been others before on the legs that did heal in months.  Last week I went with hubby to my first appointment at the advanced wound care clinic.  I was afraid of the pain that would come although I had no idea what was ahead.  I found out what debridement is and how it feels after the topical lidocaine wears off.  And, it is to be done weekly until the wounds heal.  

These appointments are the beginning of taking care of me.  I've put myself to the back burner for so long, there's long lasting irreversible chronic issues now.  They are my fault, I should have taken care of myself throughout the years.  I shouldn't have used carbs and sugar to handle stress.  I should have done more to avoid osteoarthritis.  I shouldn't have let depression take over at different times.  I should have went to the doctor for issues instead of just letting them ride.  

I learned it's ok to take care of myself.  

Many of us special needs parents are that way--not taking care of ourselves for years at a time, putting ourselves on the back burner.  It's easy to do, especially in the daily grind of taking care of the different needs of our kids, running them to their doctor appointments, therapies, school, and so on.  Throw in a full time job for many, and there just isn't time.  I don't work outside the home, but many many do.  It's so easy to just say, "well, maybe later, when this is over, or when that has passed."  That time never comes.  Something always replaces the last incident, something pops up that needs immediate attention, takes up spots on the calendar, and our own health needs go farther and farther back.  

Later never happens.

Throughout the years I was told "you have to take care of yourself".  I blew it off mostly, as it seemed kids' needs, hubby's needs, etc all came first.  It was dumb.  I know now, take the time and put it in the calendar to go take care of health needs.  It took losing a lot of mobility, living in pretty significant pain, kidney damage, peripheral vascular disorder, lymphedema, high blood pressure, diabetes, and non-healing wounds, and other smaller issues.  I learned after 18 years of putting everything I have into taking care of others, to start taking care of me.

Don't do what I have done.  Don't wait until you are so far down and hurting physically to decide to seek treatment.  Special needs parenting is very hard--it is absolutely hard!  Put yourself on the calendar and don't say "later".  Later gets pushed back farther and farther, years from today.  Seek out care for yourself.  Don't wait until your special needs child is an adult, like I have.  

You can do it!  I know from living in the trenches that this road is hard, but you can do it!  It really is ok to take care of yourself.  It really is ok to take care of your health, your body, your mental health.  

I'll be praying for you. :)